“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
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11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
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Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime