How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
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My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time