eating my hot dog hamburger style
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Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
The Friday File.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really