I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
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Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
Cheers Twitter.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
felt that
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.