Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
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Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
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I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs