“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
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Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
definitely did not do anything wrong
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Finally!
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down