My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
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I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Doctors texting each other.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office