I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
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[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.