Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
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[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
New favorite tiktok
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part