I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
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boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Single and childfree like Jesus
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it