Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
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A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe