If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
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therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft