I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
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“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Me when my alarm goes off
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
This is not me but this is me
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around