“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
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(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
This is hilarious….
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!