Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
You Might Also Like
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Just a friendly reminder!
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house