*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
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The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw