cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
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teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
I’m sorry…what?
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi