[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
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chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”