How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
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Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
Just a phase…
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”