Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
You Might Also Like
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Oops
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
I bet birds love this building.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
I love the honesty
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Dammit Chief not again
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away