found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
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[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Don’t touch that.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it