Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
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*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
finally
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”