Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
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Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
got so much cardio in today
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
having children is a pyramid scheme.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.