😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
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I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
nice challenge
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
This why you should mind your business
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.