Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
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Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
I love snow
– People who never shovel
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it