My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
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Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
my dad has had enough
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
I am having an out of money experience.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.