“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
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All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
why isn’t he texting back
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.