Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
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My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane