Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
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The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
i dont have time for this
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
#damn
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.