Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
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Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Overindulged this afternoon.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
🙀🙀🙀😹
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Before & after 😅
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.