Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
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“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.