wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
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This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Do one person every day that scares you.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck