He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
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It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.