Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
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What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.