You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
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some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer