Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
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It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
How animals would run if they were human
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius