I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
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He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
My Guy
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
haha same
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .