I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
You Might Also Like
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real