Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
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*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Tastes like chicken.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either