It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
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Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.