“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
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Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.