My wife gives the best headache.
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Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
You sure about that?
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”