First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
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The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.