My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
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Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
excuse me
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.