Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
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That’s amazing.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Wake me when AI does housework
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad