Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
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Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Yes, but it was never about money
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.