me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
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9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
B
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Need WebMD
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”