The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
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marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”