I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
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Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.