Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
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Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow